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Spike finally shows up on Buffy's doorstep.

Spoilers: Post all canon
Rating/Pairing: R, Spike/Buffy
Thank-you: To Cassie and Sus for the wonderful beta's, especially to Sus who understood about the lighter.
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Joss. I just play with them.
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I can’t believe I’m having bad sex, Buffy thought to herself. She kept her eyes closed so as to not look at David and risk betraying her feelings. He was hot --or at least she had thought so until about five minutes ago. Those rippling muscles had been deceiving. They’d been on a few dates and he was fun and flirty. He was great with the students, even if he tended to talk too much about the wrestling team he coached. He was even a good kisser.

Now all that illusion was gone. Left was a clumsy, sloppy boy-man with a really *small* dick. Oh god. Did I really just think that? She'd never thought size would matter, but when it wasn’t there, she realized, it mattered a great deal Please, just let this be over soon.

“Ugh! You are incredible,” David wheezed as he rolled off of her and fell on his back with force that made the side she was laying on buck up like an ocean wave.

“Thanks. Um, it’s getting really late and I have to be at school early. It’s my week to monitor study-hall.” Buffy knew she sounded lame but she’d never been so desperate to leave a man’s bed in her life. She rolled over to the edge of the bed, sitting up while trying to keep the sheet wrapped around as much of her as she could cover.

“Hey. I thought the guy was the one who was supposed to dash away after sex?” He sat up, trying to pull her arm towards him. She didn’t jerk her arm away, although the instinct to do just that was very strong.

“Really, I don’t sleep very well when I’m not in my own bed. I could never make it through slumber parties as a kid.” Was that a convincing enough lie? She started to put her bra and panties on.

He looked genuinely sorry and that made her feel really awful. He was a great guy in so many other ways. Normal, fun, and he made her laugh, which was rare. Why couldn’t this part have been good too? That thought struck her. Did she really put that much stake in sex? Or is it that you know, deep down, that you can never love him?
“All right. I’ll see you tomorrow. And let me know if Cary Andrews doesn’t make it into study hall. He can’t compete in the meet if he doesn’t get that Math grade up and I don’t have anyone else in his weight class.” David was settling himself into his bed, watching her get dressed.

"I’ll keep an eye on him," she promised as she finished the quickest re-dress of her life, grabbed her purse and left.

Walking home was still her favorite way to go. Even at 24, she still enjoyed the physical-ness of the outdoors and the connection to the neighborhood. She often wondered if this was how police officers felt when they used to walk a beat instead of drive in patrol cars. Plus it gave her time to think.

Who knew sex could suck that much? I’ve had *bad* sex in terms of bad timing, bad locations, bad person… but she’d always felt it was good sex.

I think this is a new low, even for me. I am doomed when it comes to relationships. And now I’m shallow enough to dump this guy because his dick’s too small? What kind of horrible person am I?

She walked up to the porch of her house. It had taken her six months of searching to find just the right place. A brown, two-story Tudor-style, with a porch that wrapped around the right side of the house. If you walked all the way to the other end, there was a second door that went into the kitchen. A kitchen with outside access and a porch had been her two main requests, and they made every real estate agent she talked to give her a puzzled look. Didn’t matter. She knew what home was.

“How ‘bout a nightcap pet?”

She heard the words as she inserted the key and spun around, fist nearly making contact with the cheekbone of the speaker before her wrist was caught and held tight. She froze.

“Who are you?” she asked, knowing the truth but still not believing it.

“Come on, love. I know it’s been awhile, but surely you couldn’t forget me?”

“Spike.” Her voice was barely a whisper.

“Hmm, woulda thought I deserved a bit more enthusiasm.”

Her mind was reeling. How did he get here? Did he still have a soul? Had he been brought back as a mortal by those lawyers like Darla?
“I’m sorry, I just…how?”

“Seems some former Wolfram & Hart baddie wanted to exact a little vengeance on Angel. He got a hold of the amulet and had it sent to Tall, Dark and Forehead as a special gift. He opened it and out I popped, all ghosty-like.”

“When?” Shit! Why couldn’t her brain form complex sentences?

“About 18 months ago.”

“You’ve been back for over a year and I’m just finding out now!?! Why didn’t you find me?” Her sudden sense of rage surprised her.

“Bloody Hell, babe, I tried. Angel and I even went to Italy to look for you. You haven’t exactly been desperate to be found. And if you think for one minute that I believe you didn’t know until this moment that I was 'round, you're a soddin’ fool!”

“I didn’t.” Tears welled up in her eyes . How could he be back? Why was he here now? Part of her was ecstatic and wanted to throw her arms around him. And part was still so angry at him for dying in the first place.

“Shit, I hate the waterworks, pet. Please. Invite me in.”

“So, you’re still a vampire.” She sniffed as she turned away to open the door.

“ ’Fraid so, luv.”

“Come in.” She just walked away from him and headed straight to the kitchen. She grabbed the tea kettle and started to fill it. She hadn’t even looked to see if he’d followed her.

All those nights. Lying awake in the middle of the night. Wondering if I loved him, desired him, or just missed his companionship.

Once she had made some strong Earl Grey tea for herself, she went into the living room. Spike was sitting on the couch, but clearly he was not feeling relaxed. He was fiddling with his lighter. Not the same one she had pocketed so many years ago, but a different one. Was that the flag of Texas on it? She took a seat in an overstuffed chair across from him.

“So, you’ve been with Angel for the last year?”

“Not like it was my doin’. I kept trying to leave that bloody city at first literally, and later some apocalypse or other kept happenin’. Once the final showdown between Boy Scout and those lawyers went down, I was finally able to take my leave.”

“Does Angel know you're here?”

“He knew what I was about, yeah. Didn’t give his blessin’ and I wasn’t lookin’ for it. I don’t live my life by his command, grandsire or no.” Spike paused and held her eyes with his. “Does it matter?”

She just looked at him for a moment. “No.” She said finally. “The last time I talked to him, I told him not to come looking for me. That if the time ever came for us, I’d find him. He’s honored that for 2 years. So I guess I’m not surprised he didn’t tell me about you.”

“Heh, yeah, well I’m not exactly his buddy anyhow. Things didn’t go so well in L.A. and he’s done another vanishing act. But really didn’t come here to talk about him.”

“Why are you here? Why now? Do you still have your soul? What do you want from me?” All her thoughts just came gushing out in a rush and he just sat there. How could he just sit there?

“How can you ask about my soul? I should think of all people, it would be obvious to you. Fuck.” He looked seriously wounded that she would doubt him. Do I doubt him or am I just trying to hurt him?

“Why are you here?” She repeated softly. Maybe if she knew why he had tracked her down, it would be easier to sort out her feelings.

He looked at her squarely. There was hardness in his eyes that she couldn’t quite pinpoint

“You got a bloke?”

“What? That’s what you want to ask me? Right now, in this moment, THAT is what you want to talk about?”

Spike’s eyes sparkled now. “He doesn’t do it for ya. He’s a poofta. I can tell.”

“You don’t even know who or what you’re talking about.”

“’Course I do. You were with him not more than 2 hours ago, but he clearly didn't rock your world.”

“Have you been following me? How can you do that? If you had any respect for me at all--”

“Easy pet. I didn’t follow you. I can smell him. And since I know full well what you look like after you’ve been well shagged. I know he didn’t do right by you. Shame really, that you’d accept less. Time was you knew how to get what you wanted.” He leaned back against the couch, letting his knees fall apart and laying one arm across the back. There was the Spike she knew.

“You’re back. I can’t believe it.” She suddenly felt at ease. The months of pain were melting away into immense relief. “I cried a lot for you.” He sat up again. She knew he wanted to come to her, but he didn’t. She was glad of that. She wasn’t ready for him to be close yet.

“I used to think that with you gone, my fate had been decided for me. I no longer had to decide who I loved more. Your death made things less complicated.”

He didn’t move. “I didn’t die to make your life less complicated. I didn’t come back to make you life more complicated. I’m here because I love you. There’s no hidden agenda here, pet.” He stared at her searchingly. That way he had of looking at her while he tried to figure her out always made her unsettled.

He leaned forward and took her hand. “Come here. I need to be closer to you right now.” She let herself be pulled to the couch. She sat down next to him, but not close enough that their legs touched. He held on to her hand. She gently pulled away, but he held fast and she relented.

“Angel loves you.” Her eyes darted to his. That was certainly not what she expected him to say.

“He’s connected to you and he believes the only hope for joy in his life rests with you. I accept that. I also know that you and I are -- shit, I can’t believe I’m going to say this --soul mates. Not in a blimey kind of way, but literally. When you held my hand as the amulet burned me, I *felt* your soul. It mingled with mine. I don’t just have my own soul inside, I carry some of yours as well. So bugger all if I don’t intimately know what he means to you. And you don’t know how much I hate that. I don’t know why the universe decided to make one woman embody the joy and love of two men, but it did. So I'm here because I can’t *not* be. But I don't carry the delusion that I’m your one and only because I know I’m not.”

Buffy’s forehead crinkled a bit and a tear rolled down her cheek.

“Please don’t cry, luv. I really hate it.”

“Are you saying you’re giving me to Angel?” Instead of relief that he was making the choice for her, she felt a deep rejection. Wasn’t he going to fight for her?

“Not in a soddin’ million years, sweet. I’m saying you don’t have to choose. Angel is off on his walkabout, and I'm here. If he ever returns or you feel you have to go deal with him, I’ll wait. Not sayin’ I won’t try to wipe the pavement with his pretty-boy face any chance that comes. But I got all the time in the world. I know that I suit some parts of your life,” he leaned in and brushed his lips softly along her neck “and I know how to shag you proper.” He whispered as he slid his hand up between her legs.

“You talk big,” she breathed but the word “big” only brought a stab of embarrassment at her earlier experience.

“That ain’t all that’s big, luv” he said as he brushed his lips against her ear.

She slapped him away playfully, “How would you know? You ever compared it to another one?”

He looked at her with some consternation. “Have you?”

She smiled sweetly at him. “I guess that’s one thing you are just going to have to wonder about.” She laced her fingers with his.

“I’ve missed you, Spike. More than I ever thought possible. I once told Angel that you were in my heart. You always will be. We’ve had experiences I treasure and you bring to my life something different from anyone else I’ve ever known. We fit.”

“We do.” Spike pulled her towards him and wrapped his arms around her.

“Spike?”

“Yes, luv?”

“Welcome home.”

Posted by Posted by Zandra on 07:48 PM